made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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