I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
