my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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