I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
