last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize