Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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