that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
