Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize