Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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