so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
