I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
