i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
