new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
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He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
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And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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