Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
