He asked to "fluff my boner.."
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
