It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
