I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
