FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
