So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I don't deserve a penis
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
