This is not my ceiling
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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