wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
