We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
