I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
