I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
