I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
