every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
