I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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