You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
