i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
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My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
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Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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