The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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