You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
