A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
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