I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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