I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
