God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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