hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I yelled at your uterus for you.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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