Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
