She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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