I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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