Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
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You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
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Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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