why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
