If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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