next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
