You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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