i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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