Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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