i think my tv is drunk
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
