Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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