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I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
