The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
