College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
