Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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