i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
