Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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