So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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