So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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