I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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