There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
