My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Im part way to drunk.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
