he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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