I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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