I CAN MOONWALK!
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
